A Talk on Samantha, Samson and Other Sex toys…

We are in one of our ‘round table’ meetings. I call them “round table’ because, usually, we sit facing each other. Coincidentally, unlike other times, the ladies are seated on one side, the men on the other.

As typical, our conversations are various and varied and, as it is in the nature of such conversations, they shift from one topic to another with ease. It is difficult to even say how one “topic” begins or ends. We just move on, from shoelace to suicides; from matatus to ants; from phones to gazelles...and so on (But, really, we have never talked ‘gazelles’).

At this very moment, we are discussing sex and sex toys. How we got here is a long story. I do not know how the conversation began; maybe the conversation was initiated by a passing remark about the Deputy Governor who was cornered pants down (like, really pants down, like no pants in the frame, nada! Wach! …The things my mind can conjure! Best we leave it at that). 

However, I think it began with my request for JTechpreneur to find me a phone with the right specs for a tight budget – a hustler’s gadget (the one I have seems to be having temporal seizures). I think my asking of what online market was the best for the phone, or something like that, led to our present discussion.

From Jumia to Alibaba, we had sifted through the offers, and then out of nowhere, someone  had asked, “Would you ship Samantha?”

“Well…” JTechpreneur had begun. The question was not directed to him, I guess, but he being the tech-guru in the house it was his lot. His hands had paused on the keyboard of the laptop. He may have been weighing the reply he would give, but I do not know. However, instead of answering the question, he asked his own;

“What do you feel and think of Samantha?”

“Honestly,” Janet Kilel began. “Samantha, like any other piece of technology is here to stay whether I like it or not. Personally, I have no problem with it.”

“She or it?” I interrupt, not rudely. “What do you think of a man who owns a Samantha? Say, I own one and you found out?” I asked.

She smiles and looks at me. She turns and looks at JTechpreneur who is busy striking the keys on his laptop. He stops, I am sure he realised that the answer to my question was meant for all the men in the group. We went quiet.

“What you decide to do with your tool is none of my business,” she starts. (She actually used the word ‘tool’!) “It is not my monkey, therefore, neither is your affair my circus. We all have our fantasies, we have our private moments, what we do or dream about is simply a matter of our bodies and consciences (and religion, if you are religious),” she says nodding her head in the direction of Mystic Venus.

I am thinking of tools and monkeys, I am laughing. JTechpreneur shuts down his laptop and is all ears now.

“Would you be intimidated by Samantha?”JTechpreneur asks Mystic Venus.

“Hell to the no!” she replies. “It is a machine for God’s sake! Why would I? Women have had their toys since as long as I can remember, do you feel threatened by them?”

The question is open ended. Meant for all of us. There is some hesitant silence, as if we are all waiting for one of us to answer it. I sip my tea (there is always a cup of tea for me. I love my tea).

No one answers.

Kilel takes the turn and proceeds, “The only problem,” she pauses for a few seconds, enough to let the Gen reply to a text in his phone, before proceeding “Let’s say that all the glamour about Samantha is simply because the men have created a sex-toy that has a feedback mechanism. Think of all the machines they love: the engines, the phones, and the laptops.” Here she pointed at the laptop on JTechpreneur’s lap and the phone which the Gen had placed on the table. Lucky me, I think. My phone is safe in my bag. I do not want a Freudian discussion of size, objects and fetishes today (Coffee Zombie can write a dissertation on Freud, and I do not want the size and seizures of my phone psychoanalysed…, you know Freud and his inklings. Still I do not want my phone with its seizures and blackouts attributed to anything beyond being a cheap Chinese thing).

“Think of all those toys and machines,” she continues. “All of them have a feedback mechanism. Men love feedback. And now, here comes Samantha – the ultimate toy! She can moan, groan and sigh and give the feedback that men want. It is for this reason that it is their, your, best toy yet.”

“Are you saying that all that men love is feedback in everything?” I ask.

“Don’t you?” retorts Coffee Zombie.

The group (with the exception of me) bursts into laughter.

“Well, there is some truth in that,” I admit.

“The feedback part done kill me oh!” Mystic observes as she wipes tears from her eyes.  

True, I cannot argue. Kilel has made a strong argument there, I think. And as if reading my mind, Coffee Zombie remarks; “The women’s sex toys that Mystic talked about do not have a feedback mechanism because, women, unlike men, do not need to be praised and reminded just how awesome they are in the business. Men crave it. It soothes them, odes are sang for men. Men desire pet-names like ‘Baba wa Mũrío’. (She says it in Gikuyu, literal translation: ‘Father of Sweetness’)

“Women are above that petty ego-soothing ‘feedback’ mechanism. It is a question of being in the moment, not of the cheering and shouting and moaning and gyrations on behalf of team that is already losing the match. You, you men need to be cheered up the hill and down the plateau. You need us to sing praise songs, and when we don’t, you create Samantha. Well, may she sing like a canary – to your hearts’ and bodies’ desires!” Zombie ends.

“So, let Samantha take to the market. Perhaps women will choose to have a Samson for themselves. And if they do, believe me, the feller better be mute – there will be no need for him to moan and cheer a woman. He needs only keep quiet. That is all,” Kilel says. “The only thing he should have is abs and all,” She adds as an afterthought. 

We are laughing. The ladies are laughing more than the guys. I think there is some truth in the statement. I roll and turn the comment over in my head looking for a rejoinder. I have none. We have been cornered. The tribe of men is losing here! No one to cheer us! Who will save us in this debate?

“I agree with you,” begins the Gen, “Men were wired for feedback. They go to and for Samantha because women have become less participatory in the ‘feedback fantasies’, and too demanding, making sex a monetary transaction.” He uses air-quotes to emphasise the ‘feedback fantasies’.

The men are nodding now. Here is an opportunity to pull ourselves from the corner.

“Simply, Samantha brings market competition, reducing women’s monopolisation of sex.” remarks JTechpreneur. Gen nods at Jtech’s remarks. I nod too. Jtech smiles. The tribe of men is in agreement.

“Are you saying that Samantha is cheaper?” Mystic asks.

“Well, not cheap as in ‘cheap’ but as in low-cost,” this is me trying to clear the semantic paradoxes (It is my cup of tea – cliché?).

“But Samantha is expensive!” Mystic maintains unbelievably.

“They say that it is a one-off budget, unlike a loan –  in the case of a woman,” Gen raises his right hand, places it on his chest then  quickly adds, “I am just a messenger here. Just a spokesman – Don’t stone me!”

His disclaimer has us all reeling in laughter. It was a hasty retreat, when he apprehended the ardour with which his comment would have been pounced on. The men are back in the corner, again. I am laughing hard. Musimbi is all smiles like a man who is privy to a secret we are not. He wears the contented smile of a cat that has eaten all the mice in my village.

“This is a bottomless debate,” Coffee Zombie observes, pauses and sips tea. “Toys or no toys, fake or genuine; Samantha or Samson? I don’t care. So, to each, his/her own toy/tool– whatever sinks or rocks your Titanic.” Zombies raises the teacup and sips, then carries on. “If Samantha will keep male perverts off our streets and workplaces, if it will cheer them and keep them busy in their rooms, well, it is, for me, a welcome repose.”

…to be continued. (Sex and Marriage). Loading………